[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.