Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
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I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.