According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
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Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?