“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
This bar smells like my childhood.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]