Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
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They did not miss in the small print
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
That’s no pocket rocket.