*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
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*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
#SCOTUS one-star review
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Smooooooth
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Fluff me with a fork baby
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.