road rage
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Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
when nothing goes right… go left
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
i actually laughed 😩
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂