“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.