It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
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Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.