Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Breaking news:
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation