wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point