Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
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What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake