I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
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I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
There are no pants in heaven.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!