IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.