I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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yes… yes…
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My circle of trust is a meatball
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.