Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Found the job I’m suited for
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!