Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
You Might Also Like
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.