Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My blood type is b hungry.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here