How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
not to brag, but mine was free
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.