I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-