Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes