[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.