I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.