A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.