My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
SPLOOT
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.