Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”