my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
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excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu