The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
You Might Also Like
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
No. He’s not coming out to play
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I’m giving up for Lent.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.