Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.