“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
You Might Also Like
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
She: I like Cats
He:
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?