All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Did I do this right
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.