Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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Brother?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.