I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Teach your children to beatbox
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.