My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.