I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
You Might Also Like
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no