The booster protects against what, now?
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Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Webb. James Webb.
An odd boast
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.