“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
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Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
The honesty is refreshing
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey