Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
A friend sent me this.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.