Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.