My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians