Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.