“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
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[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Coffee is ready.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.