I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
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It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.