I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
New tinder profile pic
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.