My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha