Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
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Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
he’s doing your taxes
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.