I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
You Might Also Like
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
damn he’s good
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.