My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
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I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.