If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Extremely relatable.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
(yawn)
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.