At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…